Not taking myself Seriously: Why do White People Like to Argue

I was at work today and I heard non-stop bitching from two people for at least two hours straight. It was about the payment of our New Years cheques. We are getting them tomorrow.

The white people in the room were bitching that they need to be re-imbursed for their travel time for picking up their cheques. I realize we're not making money, and I'm amazed the company I work for has not managed to crash entirely in the recession, but most people, unless in sales, do not expect to get money for travel time.

I may be chastized for saying this, but why do white people bitch so much? I can understand the frustration of making little money but if the company is poor, what do you expect for just coming out to pick up your cheque?

And it wasn't just complaining. It was classic all out bitching, white person style, replete with a kiss ass villian, and a petition to get all 15 of the employees to sign for their $5.50 re-imbursement for travel.

I sat in the break room with the black people, and it was interesting to hear their side. One comment was "loud talking like that in certain areas (where clients can hear) can get you fired." Another comment was, "since you can get fired easily for things like being under quota, I don't know why they are breaking rules over something so small."

I liked their attitude better. Shut up and get to work. Grrrr I'm the evil corporation. Actually no. I just think shut up, quit disturbing me while I work. You already have your bus pass for the month. Half of us don't even drive or take transit to work, so we don't give a damn about an extra $5.

White people seem prone to do this; two hours of creative bitching, getting yourself in trouble, and then bitching louder about it. Call the cavarly I've been wronged!

My boyfriend had a creative bitching session with me once where I nearly lost it on him. Table pounding, and ego thumping in the middle of dinner is not cool. Especially when you've left work four hours ago, and every time I've switched to a pleasant conversation, you've irrately switched back to why the president of your company sucks, because I haven't heeded your over extended need to have your ego stroked. I think he got the hint when I began white knuckling my fork, and then looking at which eye would be a better target.

White people seem to have this urge to bitch despite what may be better for the group as a whole, and beyond socially acceptable on dates.

Ok. I am nervously awaiting the spouting of "how dare you!" but in case you're wondering, I'm white.

New Term of the Day Kids! Gang Stalking

While on one of my internet junkie jaunts I discovered the term "gang stalking." I did have a mild stalker once (jilted ex) and wondered "what does this mean?"

At first it sounded like paranoid schizophrenic delusion. I think it partly is.

One alleged victim said she would come home and find dirt on the floor, and food eaten, and such small oddities. I found it kind of funny. I mean if I had a gang stalker come over, mess up my apartment, and eat my food, I'd probably never notice.

My apartment is always a mess, and I can go through a bag of pasta in one meal, so I'd most likely not care if something was amiss.

More hilarious is gang stalking is the new buzz word on YouTube. From paranoid surveillance of the neighbours across the street, and redneck accusations of "I'm going to sue you!" It all seems pretty damn silly. In one video a girl is following some guy accusing him of dangerous driving. From all I can see is the girl operating the camera can neither a) drive, nor b) hold a camera still. And if I were being followed by some idiot veering all over the road with a video camera I'd be scared, and might start breaking and driving real slow. Here is the video.

I can understand it as a sort of mobbing of a target. They single someone out, and then start on a campaign of harassment. Of course no one wants to sympathize with the target for fear of being ridiculed. In the school yard this involves petty name calling, while in the adult world it involves slander, harassment, and lawsuits. Not pleasant ordeals.

One compelling reason to believe it does happen is when a social worker helps an abuse victim, and the perpetrator is involved in a sexual abuse ring, or has some power. I can see that actually happening. I can see it happening to political figures by perps who have a lot of time on their hands.

But it gets to the point of schizophrenic when sites tell you to watch for "synchronicity"; like hearing police sirens whenever you flush the toilet.

There seems to be something going a bit too far with this term, and some people's abuse of it.

New Years Posts

Not sure what direction to head in now.

I tend to write, and write, and write, and write. Then I might select one thing I like. I may leave it up for a while. Then decide something is too personal, and then I take it down. I have sort of been mildly cyberstalked in the past, for posting such things.

But when I think it's important, it sometimes just needs to stay up.

As for the direction of my posts, who knows. It will be that little gem that when it comes up, it'll be posted.

Words

This is a continuation of a previous blog, and perhaps something sparked at Kellevision.

Language is powerful. Language and all it's subtle interpretations and misinterpretations can create many realities.

When I discussed the use of language, in my blog addressing abuse, I was illustrating the use of language to control someone.

And it's not just the words of the abuser, but their common everyday usage. I was called a whore during the abuse; I heard these words at school too. You tried to bend to these words, and not use them back. You could not go against them in the school yard. You were powerless at home to them. I was still trying to calculate their usage, and the power they held, as it seemed very messed up to me. I had very little power, and just sensing my unease, people outside my home used those words against me too.

In using words there came a blind act of grasping for power. The boys wanted to talk to me. That must mean she's a whore.

This systemic status quo of derogatory labels for women was everywhere I looked; in movies, in the classroom, at home, on the bus, in the social cliques.

And not just labels but acts; Fritz the Cat, a cartoon movie glorifies the dangling body of a female character, caused by the exuberant sexual prowess of a man. It's cartoon, but in it's depiction of violence against women, the theme was very real.

I walk past a woman, who just feels the need to twitter to her gay male friend something, "that whore." She says. I have no idea why. I am heading to a town hall meeting, and at one point I used to always say hi to her.

It's powerful to decide someone as defective. You are in control, when you determine someone's inferiority, (over your own).

I did not know it when I was young, but I often saw language, as huge acts of power. And there was a constant struggle for power, and for labelling someone inferior, or an outsider. In maintaining someone's sense of power, there always needed to be a victim.

I did act out as a teen. I stuck out like a sore thumb. But the rumours that ensued were often false, and as if to try to drag me down to that bottom, where the words could stick.

It had nothing to do with dress, or behavior when I got called these names but the imposition of power. And power that was out of balance, with insecure women, and girls, all gnashing for a chunk of it.

Young girls feeling little control over their lives soon learn it. To be in that role without power is awful, and only to be avoided. To often wind up without power must have happened through some slip, or some fault of your own. To be in the role where you are in constant control- that's powerful.

And to constantly defend that role is a necessity. For some people this means a constant need for enemies, or victims.

Considering what I saw through abuse I am not surprised at the word whore being spouted between women, jockeying for attention, and shreds of power.

My abuser lashed out at me with for those very same reasons.

Language is precious; it has to be cultivated. It is a necessity, that can bring knowledge and power. I may not be the best writer but it floors me that people need language to be used in the worst ways.

Maybe it will stay up this time...

Talking about abuse is hard. I believe I've experienced different forms of abuse; physical, sexual, and emotional.

It's impact was devastating. Some of the most psychologically devastating forms were a combination of acquaintance rape, followed by being beaten by family for "allowing it."

A lack of protection further complicated the picture (the police completely ignored me, and sent me back to abuse with nary a written report, and no effort on their part to contact Children's Aid).

And the common everyday use of the very degrading words that served as a justification for abuse seemed to further set my situation apart. She was a whore. She asked for it.

Words seemed to have as big an impact, as a fist, or as sexual assault. Words like whore, slut, bitch, cunt, prostitute. They seemed to encourage much of the abuse.

Sometimes these words get used in non-ignorant ways- like when describing Nortel's treatment of it's employees. I don't mind it in the context of a corporate whore, or someone who is just plain ignorant, but don't use it to intentionally and maliciously destroy one's self esteem.

I am talking about when your coworker calls a woman a whore just because she doesn't like the clothes she wears. And these are just basic clothes; non-revealing, and not necessarily slutty. I'm talking when it's obvious the words are a reflection of the woman saying it. Or when a group of friends call any woman, dressed lightly in summer, a whore. It bothers me because you can tell they are judging another woman not by her lack of self respect, or confidence, but by their own.

My mother used these words when she wanted to degrade me the most. It was as if I grew up with a viscious and violent competitor. I was not a daughter, but an opponent to be taken out. If I challenged her, even within good reason, this was when she put me at my most vulnerable.

It lacked complete logic and encouraged violence out of an older male sibling. And you bet he carried on that pattern of violence in his relationships.

I always found it ironic when I was made homeless through neglect, that I was warned that bad things would happen to me. I was automatically a bad kid, a burden to her mom, and ignorant because my choice was to couch surf and not stay home.

Home was more violent and more dangerous than any of my experiences on the streets. I did experience bad stuff outside my home, but I never felt as close to being killed when I lived at home.

I was wild and needed to be put in my place, and once it was done through spirit crushing abuse, it was justified. No questions asked.

No one asked questions or showed concern when my appearance and behavior changed drastically.

The psychiatrist would call it bipolar and deny abuse, suggesting maybe I was taken advantage of, and that the pattern of violence was not as bad as it seemed.

The sexual abuse I believe I experienced stemmed from childhood, then repeated into my teens, and in an adult relationship.

I was told I was never sexually abused by a psychiatrist. But why did I so strongly remember an abuser at age 5, and something bad happening at age 15? Why did I call it abuse? Why did the words "sexual abuse" cross my mind when a same age peer did something that seemed to push me over the edge into PTSD.

Maybe the definition of sexual abuse has softened over the years. Maybe as some people say dominance is required in getting sex from women. Perhaps. I say not.

There is no harm in the seduction of a woman, and certain forms of dominance but in my experiences there was a "red flag list" of things that should not of happened; physical assault as a result of rejecting, or turning down sexual activity. Saying no. Then saying no again, and again, to having to struggle and yell to get the person to stop. This is not normal seduction.

It's funny to hear how people would brush it off as "you were taken advantage of" even when any form of aggression, humiliation was used.

Abuse survivors may repeat the pattern of abuse when their experiences are normalized, and there is no assistance given to help them recover.

My mother perpetuated abuse, but she experienced it first, and probably before I was born.

She stayed with a man who cracked her ribs, and beat her black and blue. I was hidden in the bathroom with a knife when her jealous lover showed up to have it out with her. He did not care if I was there, when he drove beside her and stalked her to the grocery store. My mother seemed to accept it as her fault and stayed with him in this abusive relationship. To him, my mother had an attitude problem.

You bet these psychological distortions poured out on me, and my brother. It seemed there was no other world but a world of abuse in our world.

My brother was encouraged to beat and punch me. She showed him by example at first, and then bid him to carry it out when she suggested I'm a whore who deserves it. God knows what she told him when he did it, but it seems so wrong, and so sick, there can't be any justification in the world for it.

My mother projected her own lack of self worth onto me. She deserved it because she was a whore. Any self actualization and rebelling against this demented family structure meant I was the same thing too.

I do not necessarily think abuse is always carried out by one clearly sick individual, bashing through societal norms, but by someone pushed to the extreme, who lacks a sense of identity, a sense of power, and whose psychological distortions are popularized by the world around them. I believe we have many twisted social constructs that allow for, and support abuse, and can cloud the judgement of a reasonable person in recognizing it to an extent.

I may pull this writng down. I am not always comfortable in sharing this info online.

It feels strange in declaring I was abused, and denying the label given to me by my abusers, then supported by my doctors, who despite their training fail to recognize the abuse.

It's not that I am criticizing women, or men solely for abuse. It's much more complex than that. Both genders are involved in triggering the abuse, either with intention, or not.

It's also just strange how I heard these degrading words, at the height of the abuse, and as I struggled to come to terms with it, as if I posed some sort of threat.